ARCHIVES | Torie Michelle

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a lust for | life – a lust for | life – a lust for | life

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My writing blog, Figuratively, is here: http://toriemichelle.com/figuratively

You Taught Me Something

You Taught Me Something

The body feels linearly, call
& response on a single path.
You probe for appreciation
& back responds with arch,
hips with shudder, fingers
with clench, mouth with squeal,
toes with curl—typicality.

The body doesn’t always get it:

Ecstasy undulates. Comes still
with no reel of actions, without
sound. Tracks left where skin
pressed to skin. Silent as sweat.
It arrives in fingers fully interlaced.

In everything that falls away
& around the body unnoticed,
unacknowledged.

Open for workshop.  Comments?

Dysmorphia

Dysmorphia

The body wants.  This is its sole
function: to crave sustenance
then sustain.  It is this fact
that lead you to confuse courage
and foolishness.

Your body first tricked you
in broad daylight.  Across his bed.  Exposed.
(Weren’t you brave?)
Spread there.  Waiting.

Your body’s con is not elaborate
or changing.  There is no sag,
wrinkle, or scar once you’ve
heard the lie I love
you are left suspended against
gravity, feeling no weight.

Your body assumes the burden
so you—foolish soul—can forget
to want, forget that you know wait.

Recession

This is my poem “Recession” in its correct formatting.  The poem was previously published on un-mute.com in December 2008.

Seduced

Seduced

after Nikki Giovanni, “Seduction”

one night
you gonna walk down the hallway
to my room
and i’m gonna have on a extra-long,
white t-shirt
(nothing else)
you’ll say “I’m writing this poem…”
and i’m gonna take one arm out
you’ll continue:
“about this subtle racism shit…”
and i’m going to be slipping it over my head
you’ll go on like you tend to do
“about what the Jena 6 mean to Us…”
while i place your hand on my waist
“and maybe this poem will
spark some interest…”
and i’ll be kissing your neck
“No, I know, let’s go to that prote—”
and unbuckling your baggy jeans
removing your chain, your “bling”
you’ll whisper: “Baby, listen.”
i’ll pout
and knowing you you’ll just say
“Okay.”
and kiss me too

one night
i’m going to sit down
and write:
dear Nikki,
the revolution
has been postponed
to tomorrow.

counterrevolutionary?
yes.

Gynê and the Resistance

Gynê and the Resistance

we hone backstabbing blades
in our spare time and haft them
to hugging arms

we serve sharpened speech chakras
into the ears of those who smite us

we little Davidas didn’t burn our bras
instead, we turned them into slingshots
shot rocks at boys masquerading as Goliaths

we’ve nearly suffocated
under blankets of acerbic censure
but every night tear tiny holes through
the weave of the phallic fabric

we sometimes call ourselves bitch
in the mirror to nip/tuck the connotation
we sometimes inject and suction
‘cuz sex/appeal universally parlays
into dominance

we occasionally make up masks,
with paint colors opposite our moods
and wear them to tint shame opaque

we chug spirits often, privately alongside Eleutherios—
we actually call him Dion ‘cuz we’re tight like that

—to liberate ourselves
of the world’s ridiculous demands
we frenzy-dance on the bar with him

then go back to work on Monday

Private Interviews

Private Interviews

Raven

I carried a gun
to impress my father
who never wanted a princess
but instead a fishing, gaming
hunting buddy—someone
to train to kill

I only had to be willing
I could aim, shoot, and miss
as long as I tried

I never wanted him to go
over there just as bad as…
Hell, I never wanted a son

Chris

I took the poor man’s route
headed for Iraq to take up arms
against Osama or the Taliban
or terrorist-religious-extremists
or Saddam
or wielders of weapons of mass destruction

Men died at my hands; I came back armless
defenseless, fired actor in a documockery
If I knew then, what I know….

Now my kids look at me, heads cocked
to one side asking why we don’t go hunting anymore

Ars Poetica: Black Glamour

Ars Poetica: Black Glamour

“A life I didn’t choose chose me,”
Adrienne Rich

1990
I am Whitney in her too white suit
or that sequined dress
in my Daddy’s white t-shirt
so many sizes too big
tangling up my feet
as I dance
one hand tightly gripped
around an ice cream cone
he bought for me
I’m your baby tonight

This night, one
of maybe three in my memory
during which I did not
cry, sulk, plead
or remain silent
wanting to be home with Mama

I wanted a motorcycle
like the one in the video
Be one dazzling singer,
dancer, pop, rock, star.
One day, I’d buy one, speed off
riding into my black interior

2006
I will love blackly
unaccused of a ballad
too white, pure, pop
hard, violently, loudly, even
croon outside of my expansive range
until I make myself dizzy, dumb
like Whitney
like Mama
and I’d miscarry my life
until I make a comeback

I will come back to moments like 1990
document them, not in notes,
treble, bass or choreography of the body,
just in words that hopefully carry a tune
writing on the life that chose me

——————————————————

[Note: This poem is still heavily in the revision process.]

Skeleton I & II

Break Bones

The sticks and stones
were on your tongue.
Every time you spoke,
we were beaten.

Uncover

What if I peeled back
your skin and saw God’s
blueprints on your bones

“Structural Improvements” | My Photo of Emory University’s Dismantled Water Tower Published in New York Times Online

Thanks to my classmate and former Center for Women at Emory sis/co-worker, Ashlee, I’ve learned that my photograph of our alma mater’s dismantled water tower and my sentiments about my undergraduate experience at Emory have been published online at the New York Times in their Education section.  Here’s a blurb:

“In 2007, Emory’s 120 foot-tall iconic water tower, which had stood for 74 years, was dismantled because structural improvements would have proved too costly.  If my undergraduate years here have taught me nothing else….”

Click here to read more and to see my photo.

Thanks, NYT!

Michael Jackson, Rocking My World Since 1987

…and before if you count that I was hearing him while in the womb.

Though “Remember the Time” is my favorite Michael Jackson song and video for reasons even inexplicable to me (like I alluded in my last post), I found magic in every bit of what I saw of that man on television.  And every thing–no matter how simple–was epic.  Michael Jackson was an entertainer of epic proportion who is utterly impossible to duplicate.  I mean epic, “Earth Song”-epic.  To lose someone like that at 50, when I, when we, thought we had his presence for 15, 20, or more years….

I digress:

Around 5:30 yesterday, I was watching VH1’s Black to the Future series.  They had just finished the 70s section which included clips of Michael as the Scarecrow in The Wiz.  They were moving to the 80s and I was ready for him to dominate the hour.  Though I was born in 1987, I know–you know, we all know–Black + the 80s = Michael Jackson.  It is what it is.

Usually if I’m watching something else that’s relatively good, I won’t stick to my daily Monday through Friday routine of turning to 106 & Park as if I’m still in junior high.  To call Black to the Future “relatively good” is a stretch.  And I felt as if there was nothing they could tell me about MJ that I didn’t already know.  And I knew they’d crack joke upon joke I didn’t want to hear.  So to 106 and Park it was….

…where I was met with Terrence J and Rocsi apologizing for reading breaking news off of a card.  Michael Jackson had been rushed to the hospital.  Cardiac arrest.

To tell you that it felt like the floor tilted underneath me and that everything in my body was sinking down and pulling me is an understatement.

I turned to CNN to watch them tell me nothing but bad news about what it means to have cardiac arrest.

Then, he was in a coma.  Several minutes (thirty or forty painful ones) later the L.A. Times confirms his death.  But CNN pussyfoots around confirming nothing for what seems like an hour more.  And you know people wait for CNN.

When I say that Michael Jackson is magical, or at least made you believe in magic, I know every fan of his understands.  I’m not old enough to have known the progression of music and entertainment from lackluster to Michael Jackson-esque.  When I was little, Michael Jackson was fact.  Magic.  And I wondered why no one else I was seeing could do it–entertain–like him.

* * *

This BET marathon of his videos is the most wonderful thing.

In “Billie Jean,” he was a conductor of light, making it appear here and there.  Walking on the sidewalk, lighting up the ground with each step.

There were babies sitting on the earth in “Black or White.”  MJ also walks through fire in that one.  Remember the changing faces at the end?

Remember the guy moonwalking on skates in “Bad”?

“Beat It”  Mannn….  You know I would try to kick up my leg up like that.  That sweet knife fight-dance and the choreographed pure awesomeness that takes place after it?

The lean in “Smooth Criminal”?

Magic.  It was all magic to me.

[ETA: I keep coming back to this post to add more as I think of them.  It's so hard to be articulate and succinct about all of this because his repertoire is so vast; he was so prolific and indescribable.  And I loved him.]

Michael Jackson used to hit so hard.  The music was in his body from his toes up to his smirk.  Flowing through him.  He was smooth.  He had universal appeal.  He had that thing you can’t authentically describe that makes you say, “Oooh.”  Or “hee-heee.”  Or “cha-mone” (the spelling matters not…lol).  Or “OW!”  It was that “something about you, baby.”

And he was ballsy!  Creative about it, too!  Do you remember “Leave Me Alone”?

Then he’d leave the stage and be so soft-spoken.

Again, I digress:

When I was little, I wanted desperately to be a singer and performer.  Watching Michael Jackson, a man who could give you the best show you’ll probably ever see and then step away from that persona and seem so small, so shy, so delicate–made me believe I could.

To this day–this day after his death, my goodness–watching Michael Jackson makes you want to get a wind machine and rock the hell out in your living room.  Spin and scream.  In fact, I did it with a fan when I was little.  It makes you feel unconquerable.  I’d do it today if I had the right fan.  Actually, I’ve been doing it all morning long without a fan.

Watching his videos also makes you conscious in the moment of how many artists would not be household names without him.  Especially the artists of the this immediate period of music.  Their originality is scant.  It’s all Michael Jackson.

If they could blend so many genres of dance like he did.

If  they could do half of what he did to inspire people to change, to “heal the world,” by starting with “the man in the mirror.”

If they would even TRY.

I think Michael Jackson’s curse was actually caring too much in a world that is purely about not giving a damn.  Sometimes I wonder if this is what he wanted to be when grew up.  A megastar? Someone who could make a crowd of thousands in Budapest weep and faint.  (This is actually my most distinct memory of Michael Jackson from my childhood.  His impact.  I didn’t understand why the people were red-faced and passing out.  It was beyond me.)

Of course he didn’t dream of this, right? It would have been unimaginable, right? Did he want to be a singer at all? Did he ever have time to decide? I don’t know.  I don’t remember if anyone’s ever said.

Now I know there are rumors and accusations all around him, but I’ve never been able to let them in to tarnish what his music means to me.  I’m so troubled by his life yet so amazed by him.  The incredible things he was able to accomplish DESPITE it all.

Despite crying out for help and receiving none through it all.

“Leave Me Alone”

“How does it feel when you’re alone and you’re cold inside?” (from “Stranger in Moscow”)

“They Don’t Care About Us”

“Scream”

…and many others

On one hand, I’m happy that he has peace now.  (I truly hope he has that now.)  On the other, I’m devastated that he was never equipped to deal with his immeasurable success.  I think what he had was too much for any person, whether they had a “childhood” or not.

Last digression:

When I watched Martin Bashir’s interview with him in 2003, I felt like he was (perhaps, finally) irretriveably lost.  I remember crying then, thinking he’s trying to get back something he never had in the first place.  Through ridiculous possessions.  I learned a long time ago that objects won’t ever give you the feelings you (don’t realize at the time that you) really want from other human beings.

To say that Michael Jackson will be missed…. What it is to say that? It’s ridiculously not enough.  I was crossing my fingers just to have him appear on the BET Awards again.  (A show that will be completely different that what had been planned, I’m sure.)  I was wishing for something as simple as that since I’d never have the pleasure of seeing him live and at his prime.

A reminder to artists of today of what they don’t even work to be.

Something as simple as that.

Something as simple as that brought to us by the incomparable, epic, and magical, Michael Jackson.

* * *

It’s been difficult to find MJ or Jackson 5 songs that do not have embedding disabled, but I’m including a sampling below.  I urge you to go to YouTube and rock out.  It will make you feel empowered–which is the beauty of Michael Jackson’s music.  And it will make you feel better about this loss.  A little bit.

Two of my favorite people together:

ABC’s “Unbroke” Special

In this economy that we’ve heard so much–yet at the same time, so damned little–about, the last thing I needed was a cohort of rich or relatively rich (relative to myself) actors acting…telling me absolutely nothing about how to be ‘unbroke.’

For several days now, financial analyst/advisor/whatever, Mellody Hobson and ABC have been pushing this special where they claimed they would discuss stocks, 401(k)s, and credit cards in a way that was cool,’ helpful, and would make sense to Gen Y and Baby Boomers alike.

I just watched said special….

It didn’t get past ‘cool.’  And you’ll notice even that’s still in quotation marks.

I’m disappointed that there was no real push of information.  There were a few strands of common sense and a decent bit of comedy.  But concrete, useful information? Not much.

They can’t be saying it’s all just common sense.  Whereas that may be true for credit cards (interest rates…as Cedric the Entertainer said, owning a credit card is like being in a relationship) and what to do with your paycheck (don’t spend more than you earn), there’s nothing substantial about stocks in my bank of common sense.

So…are they seriously suggesting that we should laugh more about this situation? (One in which people are losing their homes, their savings, and in dire cases, their lives.)

Surely not.

And surely I’m not the only one who felt like they watched this special and didn’t get “the point.”

For the record, I’m still broke as hell.  I’m doing as much as I can about it.  And Unbroke didn’t do ish to help the matter.

Maybe Unbroke was for the folks who had never heard of terms like 401(k), don’t have credit debt, and are just starting out in the world of finances.

Maybe (and hopefully) it was the beginning of a better and prolonged effort to get people talking about and working to eliminate debt.  The same conversation that (other rich) people like Oprah, Suze Orman, and others have been having.

Maybe there’s a part two in the works that does not sacrifice true help for the sake of humor.

Click here to go to ABC’s website about the special.

I’m Hot ‘Cause I’m Fly?

Oh, Mims, how I hated and still hate that song and it’s ridiculous circular argument.

Anywho.  I’m the Fly Girl of the Week over at one of my favorite blogs: Fly.  From high fashion to furniture to graphic design to photography, Fly showcases all things and people who are “fabulously creative.”  I love it.

Black Star Magazine + The Vagina Monologues

I’ve had quite the hiatus from the site, huh? Well, it’s been for pretty good reasons.

This year, I’ve been serving as Editor-in-Chief and Design Director for Emory University’s Black Star Magazine, a publication that serves as the voice for the minority community(ies) at Emory with a particular emphasis on individuals of African descent that identify anywhere on the spectrum from “African” to “African American” to “Black,” etc.

I am proud to announce that Volume II, Issue 1 of the magazine premieres today. For all of you who are not a part of the Emory community and cannot readily get your hands on a physical copy, here is a link to the magazine online.

Also, I am a member of the cast of Emory’s production of Eve Ensler’s The Vagina Monologues.  I am Woman 1 for the Introduction and the Wear & Say lists and I will be doing 1/2 of My Vagina Was My Village.  It’s a three-day run–tonight (Friday) through Sunday.  And I’m excited!

I think that’s all for updates right now.  I just wanted to let you all know that I’m still alive and reasonably well, just busy-busy-busy.

Ciao!

UAPB Marching Band, Inaugural Parade

Here is a clip of my hometown’s marching band–the University of Arkansas at Pine Bluff Marching Musical Machine of the Mid-South (a.k.a. M4)–in President Obama’s Inaugural Parade.

Though I am not a student at UAPB or a member of M4, the university is ingrained in my family.  Multiple relatives of mine are alumni to the school itself and the band and others have been employees.  I’ve got a sweet spot for UAPB.  (Surprisingly, I am not wearing my Golden Lion sweats right now.)  I’m very proud that they were able to play in D.C.  I love bands (and miss marching from time to time).  And I love my home!

Watch Barack nod his head.  He was feelin’ it. 

“Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now”

Synchroblogging: College Style – Christmas Songs

To read my All I Want For Christmas posts, click the following links: Part I, Part II

These are six of my favorite Christmas songs.  There’s just something about this seasonal music.  In true cliche fashion, these tunes “warm your heart” and make you smile.  Enjoy them!

12 Days of Christmas – Natalie Cole with the London Symphony Orchestra

This Christmas – Donny Hathaway

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas – Luther Vandross

Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer – The Temptations

Do You Hear What I Hear? – Whitney Houston (Live on The Tonight Show)

And my all-time favorite is…*drumroll, please*….

The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting) – Nat “King” Cole featuring Natalie Cole

Honorable mention goes to Boyz II Men’s “Let it Snow.” I couldn’t find the video for the song.  Nor could I find a video of them singing the song.  T’was angry about it….

But just for kicks, giggles, and a moment of reminiscence:

“Why’d You Leave Me on This Christmas,” B2K

Fun News: Miss Campus Fresh Face in JET Magazine

You can find me representing Strength of Nature/Profectiv as Miss Campus Fresh Face on the JET on the Set page of the November 17th Special Collector’s Edition–the “Yes, We Did!” issue covering President-Elect Obama–of JET Magazine.

Pick up a copy–if not for me (because it’s just a blurb of text) then for our fabulous 44th President!

Product Review/Product Battle: Vitale Olive Oil Hair Mayonnaise vs. ORS Hair Mayonnaise

I had to quell my hair product obsession this past week.  I bought Vitale Olive Oil Hair Mayonnaise at Sally’s.  Now I know I said I would be sticking to ORS (Organic Root Stimulator) products.  And I am.  I stand behind their professional relaxer, deep conditioning replenishing paks, shampoos, conditioners, fertilizer…basically everything they make with the exception of the sticky-icky glosser.  But I hadn’t yet tried their hair mayonnaise because it was $10.  Too much.

Because of that I bought Vitale’s mayo (for $6.99–I saved a little bit) and I’m loving it.  LOVING it.

Here’s the read-up from the bottle: Vitale Olive Oil Hair Mayonnaise is enriched with Natural Botanical extracts, Oat Protein, Vitamins, Egg Proteins and Olive Oil to intensively condition, moisturize, and strengthen damaged and over-processed hair.  It renews weak, fragile hair, leaving it healthy-looking with shine, elasticity, and moisture.

They weren’t lying.  The product does what it says.  My hair felt amazing to the nth degree after deep conditioning with this stuff.  My tresses were soft and strong but most importantly manageable.  It was clean with no residue.  I had fullness, body.  It was like I’d gotten a relaxer.  (Yes, that good.)  I didn’t experience a lot of breakage while drying and flat-ironing (which was much easier than usual because this product unbelievably softened my new growth).  And another important thing: my hair smelled lovely.

I’m thinking that this product would be great for ladies who are transitioning from relaxed to natural.

What was my process? I shampooed/pre-conditioned with Aussie Moise 2-in-1 because I left my ORS aloe shampoo at my on-campus apartment.  Aussie’s wonderful, though, so it was no problem.  Then I applied VOOHM per the instructions, covered my head with a plastic cap, and meandered around doing things on the computer while waiting out the deep conditioning process for an hour.  When time was up, I rinsed it out well with warm water and then I did a cold water rinse to seal for shine.

Bottom line? My hair was looking fabulous for my birthday after using Vitale Olive Oil Hair Mayonnaise.  I recommend it.  I recommend it.  I recommend it!

-

What I nowhere near as strongly recommend is ORS’s hair mayonnaise which my mom bought for me as a birthday present (lol).  Their replenishing pak is now tied with VOOHM. for my favorite deep conditioners.  And seriously, Vitale is giving ORS a crazy run for the money.

I don’t know what was up with this product.  Again, I shampooed with Aussie because I forgot my ORS shampoo.  And I dc’ed with this like I did with Vitale.  But did my hair come out anything like it did last week?

No, buddy.  Not at all.

ORSHM touts that it’s going to do basically the same things as VOOHM: Organic Root Stimulator Hair Mayonnaise combines a rich blend of botanical extracts and herbs with whole egg protein and olive oil to restore and renew dry, damaged hair. It moisturizes and strengthens over processed hair with essential oils, organic amino acids and Vitamin B5 for added moisture and strength. Fragile hair prone to breakage will be rejuvenated with moisture and elasticity to mend split ends and provide incredible body and shine.

I mean, this one even says it’s going to give you body and shine.

Well, it doesn’t.

Or at least it didn’t for me.  My hair didn’t feel any more conditioned.  It didn’t soften the new growth.  There was no body and shine.  Once I rinsed, my hair felt heavy and dry (while still holding water!). Flat-ironing was an absolute pain.

What was the problem? Too much protein? I haven’t carefully surveyed the ingredients in the products but I know the basics are the same.  Seriously, ORS, what’s the deal with your mayo? I just don’t know.  I do know that I have to figure out a way to use this junk.  Maybe it will work better as a protein treatment (with an egg) to be followed by my new fave VOOHM or the ORS replenishing pak? I’m thinking I can edit my protein treatment by incorporating this not so awesome product because right now my p.t. is too much work….

Bottom line? To each her own.  Maybe this mayo will work for you.  I know a lot of gals who recommend it.  But I’m not joining their ranks at this point.  Actually, I’m mad my mom spent $10 on this.  Especially considering that today at Dollar General we saw a bottle half the size of the one she got me for either $4 or $6, I can’t remember.

-

In this battle of the hair mayos, Vitale Olive Oil Hair Mayonnaise won by a T.K.O. within seconds of the beginning of the first round…lol

No contest.

No recount.

No nothing.

VOOHM for the win.

Team favorite, ORS, loses.

(And I’m shocked about it.)